The fluorescent lights of my office keep me humble

It is very rare that I put effort into my appearance before work. There was a time when I would wake up at an appropriate time and try to look nice for the day, but that was when I was young and full of energy. Those days (along with my positive outlook on life and liberty) are long behind me.

 

This morning, however, I woke up with an abundance of energy. Maybe it’s the fact that it’s Friday, or maybe it’s because I went to sleep at a semi-decent hour last night, but either way I rose from my slumber without an alarm and ready to take on my day. I showered, blow dried my hair, spent an extra 7 minutes on the exact same makeup routine I do every other day, but somehow those 7 extra minutes had me feeling like Adriana Lima and I was HERE for it.

 

I was honestly feeling myself so much that I convinced myself that my entrance into the building would be something to the effect of a Cinderella moment. I was going to walk into the office and everyone would turn around thinking “wow, is that really her?”, they would be amazed by my sheer beauty and radiance that can only come from waking up 40 minutes earlier than I normally do. As you can imagine, based on the nature of this blog, that was not the case.

 

I got to my desk, opened my laptop, grabbed a coffee, and walked to the bathroom. I generally avoid mirrors wherever possible, but today I decided to sneak a glance of myself in passing. Immediate double take. The person staring back at me could only be described as the love child of the Grinch and that slug receptionist from Monsters Inc. It was really that bad. My hair was a mess, my skin was pale, my lips were cracked from dehydration.

 

I am telling myself it’s the lighting, but I’m far too pragmatic to believe my own lies.

 

Happy Friday!!!!

 

 

I don’t slow down to look at car accidents because I am better than the people who do.

If you are someone who delays my commute by half an hour in order to get a brief glance at a car wreck on the other side of the highway, please just do us all a favor and start taking public transit. Do you feel better about your own life now that you have seen what a shit day that other guy is having? Were you even able to get a proper glance or did you slow down just enough to get a brief second but went too fast to really take the entire thing in?

I flat out refuse to slow down and look at accidents purely because I want to feel superior to the people that do. I will literally sit in my car smug as hell driving past the accident pretending that everyone else on the road is impressed by my self restraint and thanking me for my ability to continue the flow of traffic. Realistically, I know that nobody notices or pays that much attention to me on the road, but it feels good to know that I am better than 90% of the people driving around me. It’s the little things in life that keep me going.

Now, I don’t want you to feel too badly if you are one of the people I am referring to. At least you’re not one of the ones who unnecessarily weave in and out of bumper to bumper traffic only to get to their destination .7 seconds quicker than the rest of us, right?

Bring smelly leftovers for lunch if you must but eat them far away from me.

This girl that sits near me is trying to smoke me out with her putrid-smelling food, I just know it. I am absolutely convinced that she chooses the worst smelling breakfasts & lunches possible in the morning with the primary intention of driving me insane. She stands in her kitchen, stares into her fridge and thinks “what food can I bring to work today that will top the tuna salad I had for breakfast (!!!!!!!!) yesterday?

 

If this girl does not have an underlying hatred for everyone in this office then she has to be the most socially inept person on the face of this planet because there is absolutely no way you heat up salmon and asparagus for lunch and eat it at your desk during non-lunch hours and think it is a normal thing to do. There is just no chance that anyone is that out of touch with societal norms.

 

I mean she even chooses the worst smelling tea’s to sip on during off-hours and I don’t even know how that is possible considering tea is pretty much designed to smell as delicious as possible. My nostrils are being assaulted on a daily basis and I just have to sit here and take it.

The grossest thing a human can do is sneeze into their hands & I don’t care if you agree with me.

One of the most vile things a human being can possibly do is sneeze directly into their hands. If you are reading this and you are one of those people, please for the love of God change your ways immediately.

I mean there are literally so many viable options you can choose from when directing your sneeze. I’m generally unbothered by other people and their habits. Despite hosting a blog where I complain about the general public, I am a fairly easy going person… but I have absolutely zero tolerance for this type of barbaric behavior.

This isn’t even a matter of who raised you. I honestly think this is just common sense. If you are going to expel germs from your body, why would you choose the one body part that you use for pretty much everything else to catch them?

I actually need stop writing about this because it is making me sick. Just please disassociate yourself from me forever if you do this and refuse to change your ways.

To the guy who put a sign on the coffee machine instead of refilling it and moving on like the rest of us:

We’ve all been there. You’re halfway through your day and the only thing keeping you from going insane is the thought of the coffee you’re about to brew for yourself. You get to the coffee station and as life would have it – there are no more coffee pods or grinds. You have to walk all the way to facilities (or even just open a drawer) so you can refill the machine.

It’s annoying, tedious, and feels like it happens to you more than it happens to anyone else. But you do it anyway. Why? Because there was a time when you were the person who took the last pod and didn’t replace it. Or just because you want a cup of coffee and this is the only way you’ll get one.

Do you know what you don’t do? Leave a sign written in bold permanent marker saying “REFILL THE COFFEE PODS IF YOU USE THE LAST ONE”.  Thanks for the memo man, but now I’m here and there are still no coffee pods or grinds and I’m the one who has to go and get more. In the time it took to find a piece of paper, write this out, and tape it to the coffee machine, you could have done all the work necessary to do the exact thing you are complaining about.

Thanks though. This was fun.