The fluorescent lights of my office keep me humble

It is very rare that I put effort into my appearance before work. There was a time when I would wake up at an appropriate time and try to look nice for the day, but that was when I was young and full of energy. Those days (along with my positive outlook on life and liberty) are long behind me.

 

This morning, however, I woke up with an abundance of energy. Maybe it’s the fact that it’s Friday, or maybe it’s because I went to sleep at a semi-decent hour last night, but either way I rose from my slumber without an alarm and ready to take on my day. I showered, blow dried my hair, spent an extra 7 minutes on the exact same makeup routine I do every other day, but somehow those 7 extra minutes had me feeling like Adriana Lima and I was HERE for it.

 

I was honestly feeling myself so much that I convinced myself that my entrance into the building would be something to the effect of a Cinderella moment. I was going to walk into the office and everyone would turn around thinking “wow, is that really her?”, they would be amazed by my sheer beauty and radiance that can only come from waking up 40 minutes earlier than I normally do. As you can imagine, based on the nature of this blog, that was not the case.

 

I got to my desk, opened my laptop, grabbed a coffee, and walked to the bathroom. I generally avoid mirrors wherever possible, but today I decided to sneak a glance of myself in passing. Immediate double take. The person staring back at me could only be described as the love child of the Grinch and that slug receptionist from Monsters Inc. It was really that bad. My hair was a mess, my skin was pale, my lips were cracked from dehydration.

 

I am telling myself it’s the lighting, but I’m far too pragmatic to believe my own lies.

 

Happy Friday!!!!

 

 

I don’t slow down to look at car accidents because I am better than the people who do.

If you are someone who delays my commute by half an hour in order to get a brief glance at a car wreck on the other side of the highway, please just do us all a favor and start taking public transit. Do you feel better about your own life now that you have seen what a shit day that other guy is having? Were you even able to get a proper glance or did you slow down just enough to get a brief second but went too fast to really take the entire thing in?

I flat out refuse to slow down and look at accidents purely because I want to feel superior to the people that do. I will literally sit in my car smug as hell driving past the accident pretending that everyone else on the road is impressed by my self restraint and thanking me for my ability to continue the flow of traffic. Realistically, I know that nobody notices or pays that much attention to me on the road, but it feels good to know that I am better than 90% of the people driving around me. It’s the little things in life that keep me going.

Now, I don’t want you to feel too badly if you are one of the people I am referring to. At least you’re not one of the ones who unnecessarily weave in and out of bumper to bumper traffic only to get to their destination .7 seconds quicker than the rest of us, right?

Bring smelly leftovers for lunch if you must but eat them far away from me.

This girl that sits near me is trying to smoke me out with her putrid-smelling food, I just know it. I am absolutely convinced that she chooses the worst smelling breakfasts & lunches possible in the morning with the primary intention of driving me insane. She stands in her kitchen, stares into her fridge and thinks “what food can I bring to work today that will top the tuna salad I had for breakfast (!!!!!!!!) yesterday?

 

If this girl does not have an underlying hatred for everyone in this office then she has to be the most socially inept person on the face of this planet because there is absolutely no way you heat up salmon and asparagus for lunch and eat it at your desk during non-lunch hours and think it is a normal thing to do. There is just no chance that anyone is that out of touch with societal norms.

 

I mean she even chooses the worst smelling tea’s to sip on during off-hours and I don’t even know how that is possible considering tea is pretty much designed to smell as delicious as possible. My nostrils are being assaulted on a daily basis and I just have to sit here and take it.

The grossest thing a human can do is sneeze into their hands & I don’t care if you agree with me.

One of the most vile things a human being can possibly do is sneeze directly into their hands. If you are reading this and you are one of those people, please for the love of God change your ways immediately.

I mean there are literally so many viable options you can choose from when directing your sneeze. I’m generally unbothered by other people and their habits. Despite hosting a blog where I complain about the general public, I am a fairly easy going person… but I have absolutely zero tolerance for this type of barbaric behavior.

This isn’t even a matter of who raised you. I honestly think this is just common sense. If you are going to expel germs from your body, why would you choose the one body part that you use for pretty much everything else to catch them?

I actually need stop writing about this because it is making me sick. Just please disassociate yourself from me forever if you do this and refuse to change your ways.

Work, social life, exercise, alone time. Choose three.

So I’ve been thinking a lot about the myth that is a work-life balance, and I have narrowed my life’s necessities down to four categories – work, social life, exercise, and alone time. Of course, all four categories are not maintainable together, but my theory is that at any given time you can commit to three. The problem I am currently having, however, is which three I want to focus on this summer.

The no brainer here is removing exercise, but like an idiot I decided to join multiple sports teams this year so I need to get myself in shape. I may actually keel over and die during one of these games if I don’t start regularly working out. Plus, I’m not going to lie to you, for the better part of 2018 I’ve chosen to let go of exercise in order to focus on other aspects of my life (a nicer way of saying I let myself go these past few months) and I am definitely not looking my best. I could use the exercise.

I was thinking I could cut into my alone time a little bit, then stay up later than usual to make up for it (I maintain a strict 10pm bedtime on work nights to prepare for my hour and a half commute in the morning). But then I’d be miserable at work and see less benefits from the exercise I mentioned earlier. Also – falling asleep at the wheel is probably not the best look and trust me I’ve come close.

Reducing my social life beyond what it has already has been is not an option. Going from one of the biggest party schools in the nation to a corporate 9-5 has dramatically changed my way of life. I try to make plans after work at least once throughout the week, and I make sure I keep myself busy on the weekend, but if it weren’t for drinks with my friends every once in a while, I don’t think I would have made it this far into my career.

This leads me to work. I can’t live my life without a steady income, I just can’t. As much as I like to believe I could live off the fortune my entrepreneurial spirit will inevitably bring, I also have 0 confidence in myself and my ability to create a company that is both successful and allows me the freedom to do little to no work.

I feel like a good blogger would have made a decision toward the end of this, but I’m just starting out so I’m giving myself a pass. For now, I may need to try and wake up earlier for exercise, and just stretch out my days a little longer. I give myself 4 weeks max before this plan implodes.

I took the stairs today and might start a fitspo insta for the peasants who didn’t.

Extremely proud of myself today. It takes some serious strength of mind to take the stairs rather than succumb to the temptation of the elevator. Today I turn over a new leaf.

There I was, in the lobby of my office. I started to turn toward the direction of the elevator as I normally do, but then it hit me – do I want to be the type of person who wheezes their way up the stairs when I have to take them? Company sports season is starting (I’m on three teams – no big deal but I’m sort of the shit around here) and the last thing I want is to be the one falling behind.

Just once in my life, I want to be that annoying person that is just slightly better than everyone else. Like when you’re talking about how lazy you were last weekend and that one guy decides it’s a good time to discuss the 10 mile run he completed after he cleaned out his whole house and rescued a cat stuck in a tree (the last part was a little dramatic, but it’s early and I just worked myself up a bit).

Anyway, I think this might be a turning point. Maybe I’ll dust off the old fitbit. Better late than never for that summer bod.

To the guy who put a sign on the coffee machine instead of refilling it and moving on like the rest of us:

We’ve all been there. You’re halfway through your day and the only thing keeping you from going insane is the thought of the coffee you’re about to brew for yourself. You get to the coffee station and as life would have it – there are no more coffee pods or grinds. You have to walk all the way to facilities (or even just open a drawer) so you can refill the machine.

It’s annoying, tedious, and feels like it happens to you more than it happens to anyone else. But you do it anyway. Why? Because there was a time when you were the person who took the last pod and didn’t replace it. Or just because you want a cup of coffee and this is the only way you’ll get one.

Do you know what you don’t do? Leave a sign written in bold permanent marker saying “REFILL THE COFFEE PODS IF YOU USE THE LAST ONE”.  Thanks for the memo man, but now I’m here and there are still no coffee pods or grinds and I’m the one who has to go and get more. In the time it took to find a piece of paper, write this out, and tape it to the coffee machine, you could have done all the work necessary to do the exact thing you are complaining about.

Thanks though. This was fun.

Nothing is more unattractive than a grown man who calls dinner “din din”

I’m sorry, but this guy just texted me asking what I was doing for “din din” and I borderline threw up in my mouth. It’s too bad because I actually liked him for a while but he is officially cut for what can only be described as gross misconduct.

Did he honestly type that out and think, “yes– This is the text I want to send to this girl”? I mean if this is his thought process on asking me to dinner, god knows what else he could have up his sleeve. Call me dramatic or whatever you want, but this is a major red flag that can’t be ignored. I can put up with a lot of things, but a grown ass dude using the term “din din” in a completely serious manner is probably one of the bigger turn offs I have ever encountered this soon into dating.

It was fun while it lasted.

Best things that can possibly happen throughout a typical work day: ranked.

10. Fire drill 

9. That guy that makes weird noises at his desk is out of office

8. The coworker you hate is out of office

7. Someone makes you genuinely laugh

6. Someone brings in sweets for their birthday

5. Extra food from a meeting you weren’t part of is left out

4. Thinking it’s Wednesday but realizing it’s Thursday

3. Nobody gets in the elevator with you

2. The bathroom is empty when you need to use it

1. Your boss is out of office “with limited access to email”

Are they actually attractive or do they just sit within 100ft of your cubicle?

There’s this dude that sits across the office from me who slightly resembles Shia LaBeouf from the holes era. Lately I have been finding myself going to get coffee in that area just so he notices me.

I mean seriously if I saw this guy in public I wouldn’t give him a second glance, but being constantly surrounded by middle-aged men who have been working at this corporation for 25+ years has drastically altered my perception of reality. I have legitimately been treating this dude like he’s Ryan Gosling for the past couple of weeks and he is a 6 at best (I’m being incredibly generous with that score). I’m talking stuttering when he talks to me, the whole nine.

The other day he put his hand on my shoulder to let me know he was passing me in the coffee station (completely harmless) and I felt actual shivers throughout my body. Like, I went back to my desk and almost sent my girlfriends an “omg what does this mean” text. I quickly came to my senses and realized I was acting like a legitimate psychopath. What’s sadder than this is it was the most exciting thing that happened to me all day.

Hope everyone is surviving. (if you’re actually reading this?)