The fluorescent lights of my office keep me humble

It is very rare that I put effort into my appearance before work. There was a time when I would wake up at an appropriate time and try to look nice for the day, but that was when I was young and full of energy. Those days (along with my positive outlook on life and liberty) are long behind me.

 

This morning, however, I woke up with an abundance of energy. Maybe it’s the fact that it’s Friday, or maybe it’s because I went to sleep at a semi-decent hour last night, but either way I rose from my slumber without an alarm and ready to take on my day. I showered, blow dried my hair, spent an extra 7 minutes on the exact same makeup routine I do every other day, but somehow those 7 extra minutes had me feeling like Adriana Lima and I was HERE for it.

 

I was honestly feeling myself so much that I convinced myself that my entrance into the building would be something to the effect of a Cinderella moment. I was going to walk into the office and everyone would turn around thinking “wow, is that really her?”, they would be amazed by my sheer beauty and radiance that can only come from waking up 40 minutes earlier than I normally do. As you can imagine, based on the nature of this blog, that was not the case.

 

I got to my desk, opened my laptop, grabbed a coffee, and walked to the bathroom. I generally avoid mirrors wherever possible, but today I decided to sneak a glance of myself in passing. Immediate double take. The person staring back at me could only be described as the love child of the Grinch and that slug receptionist from Monsters Inc. It was really that bad. My hair was a mess, my skin was pale, my lips were cracked from dehydration.

 

I am telling myself it’s the lighting, but I’m far too pragmatic to believe my own lies.

 

Happy Friday!!!!

 

 

Bring smelly leftovers for lunch if you must but eat them far away from me.

This girl that sits near me is trying to smoke me out with her putrid-smelling food, I just know it. I am absolutely convinced that she chooses the worst smelling breakfasts & lunches possible in the morning with the primary intention of driving me insane. She stands in her kitchen, stares into her fridge and thinks “what food can I bring to work today that will top the tuna salad I had for breakfast (!!!!!!!!) yesterday?

 

If this girl does not have an underlying hatred for everyone in this office then she has to be the most socially inept person on the face of this planet because there is absolutely no way you heat up salmon and asparagus for lunch and eat it at your desk during non-lunch hours and think it is a normal thing to do. There is just no chance that anyone is that out of touch with societal norms.

 

I mean she even chooses the worst smelling tea’s to sip on during off-hours and I don’t even know how that is possible considering tea is pretty much designed to smell as delicious as possible. My nostrils are being assaulted on a daily basis and I just have to sit here and take it.

Best things that can possibly happen throughout a typical work day: ranked.

10. Fire drill 

9. That guy that makes weird noises at his desk is out of office

8. The coworker you hate is out of office

7. Someone makes you genuinely laugh

6. Someone brings in sweets for their birthday

5. Extra food from a meeting you weren’t part of is left out

4. Thinking it’s Wednesday but realizing it’s Thursday

3. Nobody gets in the elevator with you

2. The bathroom is empty when you need to use it

1. Your boss is out of office “with limited access to email”

Are they actually attractive or do they just sit within 100ft of your cubicle?

There’s this dude that sits across the office from me who slightly resembles Shia LaBeouf from the holes era. Lately I have been finding myself going to get coffee in that area just so he notices me.

I mean seriously if I saw this guy in public I wouldn’t give him a second glance, but being constantly surrounded by middle-aged men who have been working at this corporation for 25+ years has drastically altered my perception of reality. I have legitimately been treating this dude like he’s Ryan Gosling for the past couple of weeks and he is a 6 at best (I’m being incredibly generous with that score). I’m talking stuttering when he talks to me, the whole nine.

The other day he put his hand on my shoulder to let me know he was passing me in the coffee station (completely harmless) and I felt actual shivers throughout my body. Like, I went back to my desk and almost sent my girlfriends an “omg what does this mean” text. I quickly came to my senses and realized I was acting like a legitimate psychopath. What’s sadder than this is it was the most exciting thing that happened to me all day.

Hope everyone is surviving. (if you’re actually reading this?)

How did I get here?

Have you ever been faced with a task so unimaginably tedious and boring that you just spend 3 hours designing your own website instead?

I would literally rather sit here and talk to the internet abyss about how little I want to do this project than actually do it. The kicker is it is due by end of day and sitting here writing this will probably end with me staying late after work to get it done.

Of course, by end of day when I don’t have this project done, I won’t blame myself. I’ll blame my boss for giving me such a meaningless task. I’ll blame this company for understaffing my department. I won’t kick myself for graduating college with a mediocre GPA and a communications degree because nothing is ever my fault.

Anyway, I usually just type these things out in emails and send them to myself to re-read later. I’m not even kidding, sometimes when I am bored and can’t think of anything to write, I will go back and read the things I emailed to myself when I did know what to write. It’s an endless cycle of possible narcissism that I don’t plan on kicking any time soon.

Because of this, I have decided to take my useless hobby and make it into a blog. Maybe someone will read this one day and know that they are not alone. One second you’re in college funnelling a beer with 20 of your closest acquaintances chanting your name, the next you are cooped up in a cubicle for eight hours— with the decision of what you want for lunch being the most exciting thought you have all day.

Life comes at you fast, man.