I don’t slow down to look at car accidents because I am better than the people who do.

If you are someone who delays my commute by half an hour in order to get a brief glance at a car wreck on the other side of the highway, please just do us all a favor and start taking public transit. Do you feel better about your own life now that you have seen what a shit day that other guy is having? Were you even able to get a proper glance or did you slow down just enough to get a brief second but went too fast to really take the entire thing in?

I flat out refuse to slow down and look at accidents purely because I want to feel superior to the people that do. I will literally sit in my car smug as hell driving past the accident pretending that everyone else on the road is impressed by my self restraint and thanking me for my ability to continue the flow of traffic. Realistically, I know that nobody notices or pays that much attention to me on the road, but it feels good to know that I am better than 90% of the people driving around me. It’s the little things in life that keep me going.

Now, I don’t want you to feel too badly if you are one of the people I am referring to. At least you’re not one of the ones who unnecessarily weave in and out of bumper to bumper traffic only to get to their destination .7 seconds quicker than the rest of us, right?

Bring smelly leftovers for lunch if you must but eat them far away from me.

This girl that sits near me is trying to smoke me out with her putrid-smelling food, I just know it. I am absolutely convinced that she chooses the worst smelling breakfasts & lunches possible in the morning with the primary intention of driving me insane. She stands in her kitchen, stares into her fridge and thinks “what food can I bring to work today that will top the tuna salad I had for breakfast (!!!!!!!!) yesterday?

 

If this girl does not have an underlying hatred for everyone in this office then she has to be the most socially inept person on the face of this planet because there is absolutely no way you heat up salmon and asparagus for lunch and eat it at your desk during non-lunch hours and think it is a normal thing to do. There is just no chance that anyone is that out of touch with societal norms.

 

I mean she even chooses the worst smelling tea’s to sip on during off-hours and I don’t even know how that is possible considering tea is pretty much designed to smell as delicious as possible. My nostrils are being assaulted on a daily basis and I just have to sit here and take it.

Work, social life, exercise, alone time. Choose three.

So I’ve been thinking a lot about the myth that is a work-life balance, and I have narrowed my life’s necessities down to four categories – work, social life, exercise, and alone time. Of course, all four categories are not maintainable together, but my theory is that at any given time you can commit to three. The problem I am currently having, however, is which three I want to focus on this summer.

The no brainer here is removing exercise, but like an idiot I decided to join multiple sports teams this year so I need to get myself in shape. I may actually keel over and die during one of these games if I don’t start regularly working out. Plus, I’m not going to lie to you, for the better part of 2018 I’ve chosen to let go of exercise in order to focus on other aspects of my life (a nicer way of saying I let myself go these past few months) and I am definitely not looking my best. I could use the exercise.

I was thinking I could cut into my alone time a little bit, then stay up later than usual to make up for it (I maintain a strict 10pm bedtime on work nights to prepare for my hour and a half commute in the morning). But then I’d be miserable at work and see less benefits from the exercise I mentioned earlier. Also – falling asleep at the wheel is probably not the best look and trust me I’ve come close.

Reducing my social life beyond what it has already has been is not an option. Going from one of the biggest party schools in the nation to a corporate 9-5 has dramatically changed my way of life. I try to make plans after work at least once throughout the week, and I make sure I keep myself busy on the weekend, but if it weren’t for drinks with my friends every once in a while, I don’t think I would have made it this far into my career.

This leads me to work. I can’t live my life without a steady income, I just can’t. As much as I like to believe I could live off the fortune my entrepreneurial spirit will inevitably bring, I also have 0 confidence in myself and my ability to create a company that is both successful and allows me the freedom to do little to no work.

I feel like a good blogger would have made a decision toward the end of this, but I’m just starting out so I’m giving myself a pass. For now, I may need to try and wake up earlier for exercise, and just stretch out my days a little longer. I give myself 4 weeks max before this plan implodes.

I took the stairs today and might start a fitspo insta for the peasants who didn’t.

Extremely proud of myself today. It takes some serious strength of mind to take the stairs rather than succumb to the temptation of the elevator. Today I turn over a new leaf.

There I was, in the lobby of my office. I started to turn toward the direction of the elevator as I normally do, but then it hit me – do I want to be the type of person who wheezes their way up the stairs when I have to take them? Company sports season is starting (I’m on three teams – no big deal but I’m sort of the shit around here) and the last thing I want is to be the one falling behind.

Just once in my life, I want to be that annoying person that is just slightly better than everyone else. Like when you’re talking about how lazy you were last weekend and that one guy decides it’s a good time to discuss the 10 mile run he completed after he cleaned out his whole house and rescued a cat stuck in a tree (the last part was a little dramatic, but it’s early and I just worked myself up a bit).

Anyway, I think this might be a turning point. Maybe I’ll dust off the old fitbit. Better late than never for that summer bod.

To the guy who put a sign on the coffee machine instead of refilling it and moving on like the rest of us:

We’ve all been there. You’re halfway through your day and the only thing keeping you from going insane is the thought of the coffee you’re about to brew for yourself. You get to the coffee station and as life would have it – there are no more coffee pods or grinds. You have to walk all the way to facilities (or even just open a drawer) so you can refill the machine.

It’s annoying, tedious, and feels like it happens to you more than it happens to anyone else. But you do it anyway. Why? Because there was a time when you were the person who took the last pod and didn’t replace it. Or just because you want a cup of coffee and this is the only way you’ll get one.

Do you know what you don’t do? Leave a sign written in bold permanent marker saying “REFILL THE COFFEE PODS IF YOU USE THE LAST ONE”.  Thanks for the memo man, but now I’m here and there are still no coffee pods or grinds and I’m the one who has to go and get more. In the time it took to find a piece of paper, write this out, and tape it to the coffee machine, you could have done all the work necessary to do the exact thing you are complaining about.

Thanks though. This was fun.

Best things that can possibly happen throughout a typical work day: ranked.

10. Fire drill 

9. That guy that makes weird noises at his desk is out of office

8. The coworker you hate is out of office

7. Someone makes you genuinely laugh

6. Someone brings in sweets for their birthday

5. Extra food from a meeting you weren’t part of is left out

4. Thinking it’s Wednesday but realizing it’s Thursday

3. Nobody gets in the elevator with you

2. The bathroom is empty when you need to use it

1. Your boss is out of office “with limited access to email”

Are they actually attractive or do they just sit within 100ft of your cubicle?

There’s this dude that sits across the office from me who slightly resembles Shia LaBeouf from the holes era. Lately I have been finding myself going to get coffee in that area just so he notices me.

I mean seriously if I saw this guy in public I wouldn’t give him a second glance, but being constantly surrounded by middle-aged men who have been working at this corporation for 25+ years has drastically altered my perception of reality. I have legitimately been treating this dude like he’s Ryan Gosling for the past couple of weeks and he is a 6 at best (I’m being incredibly generous with that score). I’m talking stuttering when he talks to me, the whole nine.

The other day he put his hand on my shoulder to let me know he was passing me in the coffee station (completely harmless) and I felt actual shivers throughout my body. Like, I went back to my desk and almost sent my girlfriends an “omg what does this mean” text. I quickly came to my senses and realized I was acting like a legitimate psychopath. What’s sadder than this is it was the most exciting thing that happened to me all day.

Hope everyone is surviving. (if you’re actually reading this?)

How did I get here?

Have you ever been faced with a task so unimaginably tedious and boring that you just spend 3 hours designing your own website instead?

I would literally rather sit here and talk to the internet abyss about how little I want to do this project than actually do it. The kicker is it is due by end of day and sitting here writing this will probably end with me staying late after work to get it done.

Of course, by end of day when I don’t have this project done, I won’t blame myself. I’ll blame my boss for giving me such a meaningless task. I’ll blame this company for understaffing my department. I won’t kick myself for graduating college with a mediocre GPA and a communications degree because nothing is ever my fault.

Anyway, I usually just type these things out in emails and send them to myself to re-read later. I’m not even kidding, sometimes when I am bored and can’t think of anything to write, I will go back and read the things I emailed to myself when I did know what to write. It’s an endless cycle of possible narcissism that I don’t plan on kicking any time soon.

Because of this, I have decided to take my useless hobby and make it into a blog. Maybe someone will read this one day and know that they are not alone. One second you’re in college funnelling a beer with 20 of your closest acquaintances chanting your name, the next you are cooped up in a cubicle for eight hours— with the decision of what you want for lunch being the most exciting thought you have all day.

Life comes at you fast, man.